Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a couple breaks up, the girl always thinks the guy blew it while the guy is glad he’s away from that psycho b*tch.

   Happy Teacher's day to all our Wives, we may have not heard so many lectures before, Thank You

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

   Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.

   Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.

   I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.

   You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.

   High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.

   My daughter just made her Jr High volleyball team. If these moms are anything like the cheer moms I'm going to need more roofies.

   The wife of a friend of mine just had their baby in the hospital parking lot in case you're looking for money saving tips.

   You haven't lived like a pimp until you've paid your fall college tuition in cash.

   When it's time to pick teams I'm picking the concession stand every time because sno cones are delicious.

   When one door closes another one opens, in this haunted house I live in....

   Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.

   I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.

   My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.

   Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.

   Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.