Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.

   Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.

   Considering they got in a car and floated off into the sky I'd really like to know where Danny and Sandy went off to....

   I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.

   Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!

   I ate my first pot brownie tonight and it finally occurred to me Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America.

   Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.

   Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.

   Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   We can’t correct your catastrophic ignorance of The Rockford Files in one sitting. Let’s schedule another session.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.

   Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.

   Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   Trapped at work with nothing to do and no internet/bad phone reception. Realizing how boring my own thoughts are.

   Why can't journeys ever be fraught with pizza?

   Who needs facts? That's what opinions are for. New political slogan....

   If we don't build a wall on our northern border, they'll soon be maple syrup and Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.