Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

   My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

   The law doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   If you take the 'I' out of 'Illness' and replace it with 'We', then you get 'Wellness'

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't it really about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Maybe my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than three of my Facebook friends in 2020 was asking for too much?

   It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day for a socially distancing neighbor.

   Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps

   There's probably a guy named Jake who works at State Farm who's had it with all the khaki jokes and is about to go postal.

   Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids.

   Fat chances are my favorite chances

   Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.”

   I think it's hilarious that Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

   A Short Story: Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him. She said no and they lived happily ever after.

   You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind

   If the Wuhan lab had been in Vegas we wouldn't have to worry about this virus cause what happen in vegas stays in vegas

   I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.