Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been social distancing from the gym for years

   Hate to be the one to point out that if you're going around to your friends houses to take "Socially Distancing" pictures and videos with you're missing the point.

   My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

   My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

   If a Tutu was designed for an extra-large ballerina, would it be called a Threethree?

   And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.

   Think I'm starting to understand how Howard Hughes must have felt self isolating, except for I'm not staying in a luxury Las Vegas hotel, have billions of dollars or servants leaving things at my door, but other than that I think I understand how he felt.

   From Our CEO To Our Valued Customers Please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

   Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening! Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?

   Out of eggs and hoping the easter bunny will leave some on my porch.

   Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death. Me: I need one

   This is the first time in my life that am seeing a month without a weekend, everyday is everyday

   * With the people staying home. The air pollution levels have dropped. I actually went out in my back yard today, and smelled fresh air for the first time in twenty years.

   Things could be worse, like the meteorite the size of a house that flew between the Earth and the moon last night which if it had taken a slightly different course would have made your problems seem kind of trivial. So smile and be happy!

   Show of hands...how many of you are stuck in the house with a 75 something-year-old behaving like a toddler amped up on fun dip??

   If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   It's so hard not to get reckless with this $1200 check. I think I'm gonna go buy me a tiger

   Casinos are offering curbside pickup. just call ahead and they'll come out to your car and take your money

   Date: Yeah I’m gonna go. Me: *At the top of the slide at McDonald’s* Are you sure?