Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning I thanked the Starbucks barista and told him to have a magical day and the lady next to me waiting for coffee stared and said, "I could really use some magic today, could you wish me a magical day too?" Lady, sorry I am not a magician here...

   Being in Costco without family or friends is like being lost in a strange universe. Who am I going to share the poutine with?

   Wonder if it would become a national tragedy if a Pokemon Go Character appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?

   The weather today was good enough for me to feel ashamed about my body.

   Bernie Sanders' campaign has had more endings than The Lord Of The Rings.

   Holy Crap ..... I just found a Pokemon in my Toilet!!!

   Pokemon is the Japanese word for Revenge.

   "But apart from that , How did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln"

   ... it's so damn HOT out there I'm not even going out to look for Pokemon.

   This Pokemon Go app is getting way too serious ..... My doctor said he found a Pokemon in my Chest X-Ray

   Question: Is sexual healing covered by Obamacare?

   Haven't tried heroin yet, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

   Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Just heard on the radio that former child star McCauley Culkin may soon get married for a second time...... I guess he was tired of being "Home Alone."

   Stop checking my Status , Go and love your GF

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, genitals, passwords, credit cards, life and soul.

   Get lost in nature during a hike and you will definitely not find yourself, more like you could quite possibly die....

   We know Black Lives Matter, we're just trying to figure out why

   Life is good .... the alternative is not.

   There was this woman who always juxtaposed the letters in LMAO whenever I told a joke. She'd put LAMO. I tired to correct her. She said, "No, your jokes are lame."