Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

   Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.

   Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

   It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.

   Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

   7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.

   I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

   Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.

   Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

   wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*

   Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

   I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

   A new law just came out where all bicyclist are now required to wear a helmet which is ridiculous, I mean when I was a kid I took all kinds of spills on my bike without a helmit and turned out perfectly fine and turned out perfectly fine.

   My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.

   I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?

   Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

   If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

   Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l