Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.

   When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL

   You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once.

   My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.

   Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.

   Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?

   Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

   All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner