Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've reached that time of day on a Friday afternoon when I know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile done so the only solution is to not even bother

   So many people wanting to cuddle because its cold now. Does nobody else cuddle year around?

   I swear these automatic toilets are about as premature as a teenage boy, one little move and they are done.

   I am going to mess with my facebook friends. I am going to use the "check in" feature at the strip club, and then shortly thereafter at the free clinic.

   Major League Baseball received numerous calls from Rangers fans threatening suicide, so they have set up a new suicide help line. The number is 1-800-STL-1029

   If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman.

   I'm not shy. I'm just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouh to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment$ directed at you will immediately spew from within me.

   16 and pregnant....white girls get their own show......Black girls go on Maury

   What everyone hates to look out there window and see.... White

   I wish my gps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

   Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home

   My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section

   Sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you HAVE come. Dont dwell on the past. Things and people move into the past for a reason and do not make it into your present and future for a reason. You look back to gain perspective, not to gain doubt

   Saw a baby wearing a bib which read "This dumb ass put my cape on backwards"

   Judge: "Wen did you realised you hv been raped?" Prostitute: "When the cheque bounced"

   going to murder the most awesomest person alive, but that would be suicide

   Changing a whole text because you didn't know how to spell one word.

   I'm about to yell inside an envelope!....voice mail..b*tch

   Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Taking a test at school: My answer is Yes. If yes please explain...my answer is No