Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   Things get back to normal tomorrow when Supermoon returns to work as mild mannered reporter Clark Moon.

   Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate