Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.