Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There once was a couple Depp and Heard, in who’s bed they discovered a turd. They beat each other up, without a prenup, and did drugs that they preferred.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   A penny found is worth more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants, that way it’s illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   You survived the winter of death. Let’s see how you do in the summer of starvation.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   People would be a lot less angry if they just put more butter on everything.

   If you wore a mask for two years, you can wear a condom for sex.

   If you hear a woman scream in the dressing room, it’s because they found my hidden camera.

   Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, read the 4th line, what does it say?

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.