Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".

   I want a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial mixed with a Wild Turkey commercial where he's just wasted driving around talking to himself.

   If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event

   Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   Christian Rock Bands: Fooling me with their peppy intros since 1995.

   Olympics Fun Fact: Each athlete gets one "do over" per Olympics.

   My money tree is also dying. No wonder I'm broke.

   Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.

   Make America great again lets climb the trump tower.....

   Todays Olympic sport - Ping Pong. Up next - Wii Bowling

   Other Moms packing healthy school lunches while I'm redistributing the contents of a nacho Lunchable into a $30 bento box.

   Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.

   School gets out at 2:15 pm so if you don't get in the pickup line by 1:00 you don't love your kid.

   Nothing more disappointing than pizza crust so crunchy you split your tooth....

   What bugs me most about young kids is their disrespect for pasta. Those necklaces or that artwork might've been delicious. We'll never know.

   The only reason to have pepper spray as defense against a bear is so you can spray it on yourself so the bear enjoys its meal....

   Hope Solo is my least favorite Star Wars character besides Jar Jar Binks.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video.