Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does water have against Houston? First it was Whitney now this..!!

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse

   How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

   my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight

   If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.

   All of a sudden no one wants to shake my hand. T.C.

   The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.

   Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!

   If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.

   I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.

   I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.

   A bachelor dates 20 hot girls all at the same time, and they are all good with this, and they call it a "reality show."

   Why doesn't this superglue lock on things tightly like it does its own cap?

   Hillary got rich by selling her power...Donald got rich by earning it!

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar