Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   The body of a man was found in Pizza Hut this morning, covered in cheese, tomatoes, onions and peperami Police are working on the theory that he may have topped himself!!

   I'm sure the white house has leaks....it's an old building

   Looks like all the funny kids are back in school...

   What's better than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

   This planet is serious messed up. 407,000 Americans died fighting fascism in world war 2. Now Trump is disrespecting those heroes by letting Nazis match across America.

   I was grocery shopping today and when I was finished I went to the checkout line. The lady at the register said "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I said "No. I was looking for a $100 bill in the Rice Krispies section I but didn't find one."

   I see that you live next door to a pilot. You know, pile it here and pile it there.

   Alt-Left + Alt-Right = DELETE I am an independent. Enough said... Go Home!!!

   I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...

   Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .

   If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".

   : Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.

   I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change

   i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse

   The country is going down for the simple fact that some people really hate Trump. Let that sink in

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.