Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only way you can get a like from some of the chicks is to take a picture of them while they are standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of themselves while they are looking thru an album of previous selfies taken earlier that day.

   They say"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Well I have been alive a long time and had 2 near death experiences and I have not gained an ounce in muscles yet.

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working tomorrow. They're the real heroes!

   Wow. Dramatic drop in crime today.

   Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.

   My 90 y/o Grandpa is living proof how lazy immigrants are. He hasn't worked in 20 years!

   Preschoolers talk a lot of trash when playing Chutes and Ladders for little people who needs help counting spaces.

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades Darker is if the guy tied up our garbage bags and dominated the yard work.

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   You ever bought a case for your cell phone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on a kid's head.

   alexa... make me a sandwhich

   Lent is almost here! Time to get your Ash in church!

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," Naturally I assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   Okay. If you're over 10 years old and you still celebrate your birthday as birthday month, you should seek immediate help.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage