Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

   If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

   Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

   *Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

   I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

   i was looking at the bigbustycoons site... Those guys have some big bus companies

   With the pandemic just curious if anyone’s house got toilet papered or sprayed with Lysol last night.

   Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   Maybe snow kills COVID. You don’t know!

   One day, I would love to visit the state of JOEgia.

   Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.

   Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".

   all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood

   Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

   When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.

   chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??