Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.

   Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   One things for sure, the catering at Klan rallys just got a lot better!!

   eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets.

   think I'm going to start plagiarizing myself.....wonder if I will get caught.

   it is very hard to defend Nigerians as druglords with that big WHITE line on their national flag.

   Worst thing in the world is being surprised in your office by a colleague after a particularly toxic fart...

   Crocodiles are just lizards who joined a gym

   I can't wait until everyone is on board with gay marriage so we can move on to marrying our phones.

   Unless your baby rolled a blunt, please don’t bore me telling me about how he did the cutest thing.

   Men have Sports Center, women have Steel Magnolias.... this is why we should just have sex and not try the "talking" thing.

   how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat ?

   You got to live life on both sides of the coin, you never know which side its going to land on

   When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

   that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??

   Ever notice that 5000 chanting people is an "unruly mob" when you disagree with them, but "patriotic supporters" if you do agree with them?

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators