Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

   How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.

   Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

   I hear they're coming out with a new "Blame me, I voted Trump or Clinton" sticker.

   Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.

   Hey you Dummy-crats. Trump has been in office for 60 days..might as well relax you got a long time before the next election. Now go cry somewhere else.

   Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.

   "I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." --Dolphins.

   I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.

   It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.

   My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.

   Get over yourself lady, I was smiling at your cat.

   I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...

   Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!

   Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast.

   Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!

   Biker gangs are silly to me. What do they do when they get to their destination? Do they all have lunch together? Do they have a destination?

   My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days.....