Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Okay. I've noticed you. Now go away.

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.

   Never treat a slut like a girlfriend, let some other dumb guys do that.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   A real woman does not have a "wrong hole".

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.