Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because they pull up next to you doesn’t mean they want to race. But better safe than be a loser.

   The best response is always followed by a saucy wink.

   Describe your boobs using only a picture of them.

   Bucket list: Extra crispy, a side of cheesy fries and whipped cream gravy.

   If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon.

   6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

   2020 ~ 2022 Written by Stephen King, Directed by Quinten Tarantino, Soundtrack by Yoko Ono.

   Life is fork, I am soup

   On a date with my crush, trying so hard not to fart.

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.

   How can you stand for woman’s rights while allowing men to dominate woman’s sports?

   Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.

   What do you say to someone with a black eye? Nothing, they’ve already been told.

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Should’ve seen me at work today. Somewhere an OSHA Manual burst into flames.

   It’s impossible to plug in my genderless extension cord.

   Have Snoop and Martha ever like…. almost?

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.