Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bucket list: Extra crispy, a side of cheesy fries and whipped cream gravy.

   If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon.

   6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

   2020 ~ 2022 Written by Stephen King, Directed by Quinten Tarantino, Soundtrack by Yoko Ono.

   Life is fork, I am soup

   On a date with my crush, trying so hard not to fart.

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   No one sees what you see, even if they see it too.

   Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.

   What do you say to someone with a black eye? Nothing, they’ve already been told.

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Should’ve seen me at work today. Somewhere an OSHA Manual burst into flames.

   Have Snoop and Martha ever like…. almost?

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   There once was a couple Depp and Heard, in who’s bed they discovered a turd. They beat each other up, without a prenup, and did drugs that they preferred.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wan go home...

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   Imagine an e-mail finding you well.

   A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’