Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic.

   I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.

   Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.

   Stairway to Heaven? I'm not going anywhere that is high and doesn't have an elevator.

   Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.

   ... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   It's 420 eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies for snoop dogg.

   Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

   Dear Burger King, We are not really enticed by the idea you are now selling hotdogs. The weird people you place in your television ads really doesn't help either. Just stick to burgers. Sincerely, Everyone.

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Bernie Sanders is so evil for laying all those people off. I guess they can go back to the unemployment line or mom's basement.

   A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

   "You're crazy" = the last resort from a losing opponent.

   Anybody have the over/under on the number of bathroom door labels that will be available at the Democratic National Convention?

   I've been to jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.

   Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!

   Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?