Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....

   Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump after receiving a sign from God. This election year is a gift horse that keeps on giving.

   I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.

   How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.

   The fact that the praying hands are in the top emoji's pretty sums up everyone's 2016 so far.

   I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down and you will pay. You have my Word.

   I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters

   Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

   As your new car parallel-parks itself, use both hands to wave goodbye to pu$$y

   My favorite childhood memory is not having a job or bills to pay.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?

   Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza.

   We were so poor that we had to stand out side of KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   Real Nerd Girl Problem: Has more books than shoes.

   If Kanye West was alive in 1963, he'd most definitely interrupt Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech with "Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had the best dream of all time!"

   Will Smith is now older than Uncle Phil was at the beginning of The Fresh Prince.