Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters

   Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

   As your new car parallel-parks itself, use both hands to wave goodbye to pu$$y

   My favorite childhood memory is not having a job or bills to pay.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?

   Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza.

   We were so poor that we had to stand out side of KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   Real Nerd Girl Problem: Has more books than shoes.

   If Kanye West was alive in 1963, he'd most definitely interrupt Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech with "Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had the best dream of all time!"

   Will Smith is now older than Uncle Phil was at the beginning of The Fresh Prince.

   I'm excited this Easter to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.

   Some people will not try bacon for religious reasons. Good to know, more bacon for me.....

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   I'm so tired of not being a multimillionaire.

   Why would you buy a case for your cracked cell phone, that's like buying a condom to put on your kids head?!?!

   Clinton says "How high do you have to build a wall to keep out the internet?" I don't think she understands how the internet works, which is why she got in trouble with her emails.

   Pro Tip: Keep your friends close and your enemies in a ditch, because they deserve it.

   If money was grown on trees,women would be dating monkeys!