Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

   You may think the grass is greener on the other side,but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green

   Making the cats chase the laser pointer. Re-establishing who is boss, for now.

   Justin Beiber's publicist reports that Justinwant to change his name to "Bizzle" to increase his street cred. However music industry insiders say his new name will more than likely be "Justinutha Lonelynizzle"

   I'm time zone intolerant...

   Would using 2 Sleepy Time Tea bags instead of 1 be conscidered over-medicating? Asking for a friend.

   My sex drive is manual

   Hey ladies, wtf is wrong with a selfie with just a normal smile??

   The closest I get to exercising is buying running shoes online

   I think we should hear other voices.

   Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.

   Are physical events truly individuated on the basis of spatio-temporal localization, or is this merely a convenient ontological mode of evading the influence of causal powers?

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   I love your warm body. I love the way you smell, taste. The way you wake me up inside. Coffee

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   Will Bernie Sanders still be alive at election time? Will Hillary get more Navy Seals killed and ignore the facts? Times up in 10 months Obama!!

   Please watch for black the black ice #blackicematters

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it hit the bottom of his throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

   Somtimes I get the feeling that maybe the love of my life got stuck up in a Condom

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....