Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.

   SOB...Get me a drink

   Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   There are those that I would like to take a shower with, those that I wouldn't, and those that I'd like to see take a shower with my toaster.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   2 days ago: ''We must help solve poverty here first and foremost!'' Today: ''All right! Black Friday is coming!''. Morons

   "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!

   Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all. He's still dead.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too

   If a man speaks in the forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   She enjoys long romantic scrolls on her phone. But still claims to be in touch with reality.

   "When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?" No parents want their children to be terrorist.

   On a scale of Bruno Mars to Wesley Snipes, how dark do you want your coffee?

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   "I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”This's brought you by a cashier who is afraid of losing their job.

   "I feel terrible today. Let me go find a man to blame." - WOMEN