Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...

   9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?

   Looking for originality her e is like looking for a virgin in a wh0rehouse.

   I never imagined adulting would involve so much crying while eating ice cream.

   At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?

   And then her mood ring just...exploded

   Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.

   SOB...Get me a drink

   Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   There are those that I would like to take a shower with, those that I wouldn't, and those that I'd like to see take a shower with my toaster.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   2 days ago: ''We must help solve poverty here first and foremost!'' Today: ''All right! Black Friday is coming!''. Morons

   "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth!

   Your Fortune Cookie for Today: A long-forgotten loved one will soon come back into your life. Buy the negatives at any price.

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all. He's still dead.

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too

   If a man speaks in the forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?