Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder's how far you could kick a midget?

   the accident that is causing you to be stuck in traffic this morning? It's Brooks Conrad's fault...

   Im done being mad at everybody. From now on I'm going to start buying my enemies gifts.. the brown gifts wrap with tape and left on their porch

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.

   Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

   Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   maybe or maybe not feeling ambivalent today

   I guess yankee fans wont update there statuss!!

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   even if your sporting a tic tac for a dck....you can still freshen their breath!

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..

   wonders if balloon boy's parents are kicking themselves for not crashing the White House party instead?

   Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still sh*t your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough sh*t.

   that if an old, fat man comes down you chimney tonight, creeps into your bedroom and kidnaps you don't worry! I asked santa for a friend for christmas and he is just getting me one :)

   Just got an email that I won the Nigerian lottery. Finally..A lucky break!

   My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.

   What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"