Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.

   There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!

   What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

   If Obama had a son he would be unemployed........

   I posted my suicide note on Facebook, it already has 124 likes...

   Make little things count.....Teach midgets math.

   Fat girls be sounding good on the phone ....

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   anyone else think Lucky Charms is just Cheerios with marshmallows?

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   I'm getting too old to drop it like it's hot, so I'm just gonna squat like its warm!!!

   Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.

   If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!

   I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.

   Wow they had a football game at beyonces concert!!!

   When in a relationship, a real man doesn't make his woman jealous of others, he makes others jealous of his woman

   Ladies, if you've been called a c*nt by 3 or more people, you're a c*nt...

   For Americans, next Tuesday is election day. For some Japanese-Americans, it will be "erection day."

   I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic