Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im gonna start my own all white rap group and call it "HWG".....Honkies With Gratitude

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   College student: I just graduated and can't find a job. I'll go back to school. Bernie Sanders; The economy is terrible and there are no jobs, let's send everyone to free college!

   I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.

   Bowing to pressure from the NFL has announced that the Washington Redskins will change their name to the Redskins. They said the name "Washington" made them feel lowdown and slimy

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   Lets celebrate our independance in America by drinking beer and shooting off fireworks made in China

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.

   There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!

   What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

   If Obama had a son he would be unemployed........

   I posted my suicide note on Facebook, it already has 124 likes...

   Make little things count.....Teach midgets math.

   Fat girls be sounding good on the phone ....

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   anyone else think Lucky Charms is just Cheerios with marshmallows?

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   I'm getting too old to drop it like it's hot, so I'm just gonna squat like its warm!!!

   Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.