Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

   I buy all my guns from a dude named T-Rex........... Yeah He's a,,, small arms dealer

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.