Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Since this is the last time for the space shuttle, I think we should all dress up as extras from Planet of the Apes when they land

   I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.

   FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.

   My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

   hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   I do marathons (on Netflix).

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   I was excited there was a 'The Paperboy' movie until I watched the trailer and found out it wasn't based on the old Nintendo game.

   Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.

   "I'll get you, gadget. Next time." --Dr. Claw, window shopping at the sharper image

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.