Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I think my mind has lost me.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

   It really isn't a good idea to be left with your own thoughts. I just had a long discussion with myself. We both agreed

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   [tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!

   Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.

   dude, where's my government

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD