Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If olive oil comes from crushing olives, does baby oil come from Planed Parenthood?

   I love animals. Especially with ketchup.

   If I miss 11/11/11 11:11:11 I will be soooo pissed.

   W.O.M.E.N.: Waiting On Man's Every Need.

   congrats to spain for winning the Triwizard Cup or whatever...

   A school teacher asks her young students "What comes after 69?" One little girl raises her hand so the teacher lets her speak. "Well, you clean your face then wash your mouth out....duh!"

   Sittin' in the Dr.'s office next to the "turn off cell phone" sign using my phone to share this with you. Because, yeah... that's how I f*ckin' roll. :)

   I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: “You’re 24 James

   Personally, I think today should be "Cap a Diaperhead" day! Just saying

   The most used sexual position for married couples is DOGGY STYLE. The husband sits and begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

   If more people...instead of stirring the pot, would smoke it...the world would be a happier place.

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   Whenever I see sad and moody people, I just assume they are not getting the good sex at home, so they taking it out on the world.

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.

   I they rain on my parade, I dance in their rain.

   These are the same people who couldn't press a damn voting ballot which resulted in "hanging chads!"....LMAO!!

   I feel bad for people who didn't party in college and got D's... what a waste.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.