Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its so hot squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts

   No, mom. Being on twitter, facebook and youtube all at the same time is NOT called "doing nothing". It's called multitasking

   yes winter is here .....let the relationships begin!!!

   I failed my drivers test, they asked what should I do when I see a red light & I said, check my BBM

   "Won't you put your package in my male slot?" - Is how I hit on my mailman.

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   Billionaire Chaleo Yoovidhya, the co-founder of energy drink Red Bull and the second richest man in Thailand, died....Looks like he finally got his wings.

   when I grew up, Tebows pose was called...The Thinker

   Bought my kid a giant backpack painted like a turtle shell, it even comes with a hoodie in case they feel shy

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other Let the games begin.

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   Nothing says Easter like making deviled eggs while hungover

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing

   someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**

   Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

   Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!

   My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.

   Alfalfa was the Depression era Justin Bieber.

   when my wife isn't home, i'm the head of the household and what I say goes!!!

   might apply for Kim Jong-il's job... I've always fancied a KOREA in politics !!!