Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love the three little pigs; Bacon, Ham, and Sausage!

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.

   When a police car circles around to go after the criminal, how do you know it's a police car? .... It just did a donut

   Science fact: a dog extracts more information from smelling a pile of excrement than a human does from reading the Daily Mail.

   I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 350 years.

   April Fools Day is coming up this Saturday. Look for lots of articles about global warming.

   Marriage tip: Women are naturally bad drivers. So, never ever let your wife drive the car. You, as the alpha Male of your household, should stay in the driver's seat and take your family where they need to go safely.

   Now that I’m in my 60’s, I suddenly find that I have a talent for breakdancing!. Every time I try to dance, I break something.

   It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

   The woman at the tire store told me today to come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued, without even a hint of a smile on her face

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Cops came to my house, accusing my dog of chasing a guy in his Mustang ... I told the cops my dog wouldn't be caught dead driving a Ford

   Easter

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Pee pee poo p000

   Joe Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.