Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home of the free because of the brave, since 1776.

   Did You Know: The internet was once a fun place for watching car crash videos instead of monitoring humanity’s real-time collapse.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   Maybe in order to understand mankind, we must look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

   The next person to walk out of my life I’m going with them. I’m sick of my crap too.

   The world is becoming increasingly dumb and I refuse to go along with it.

   Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

   If swimming is good exercise, then explain whales.

   Lumber shortage, worker shortage, gas shortage, rubber shortage… You know what we don’t have a shortage of right now? Idiots.

   I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   You know, spooning leads to forking, right?

   Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

   Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   I’ll go to bed soon. I just want to read like 4 more things that make me furious.

   If I’m ever killed by a mountain lion, my last words were probably, “here kitty, kitty.”