Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   Johnny Manziel joins Cleveland Browns... is sacked three times trying to get off the stage....

   I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my Polish friends..

   I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don't see what the big deal is.....I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I've looked through......

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..

   Life's like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you....

   HOW TO TWERK.... STEP 1.....Reconsider...

   OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   Picking out an appropiate outfit for a Rapture is so frustrating....and I don't even want to get into picking the right accesories...

   Note to self......Don't chest bump the elderly.....not a good thing.....trust me on this one...

   "It was consensual, the crab legs wanted to be stolen"~~Jamies Winston's attorney...