MWC Funny Status Messages

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Last night I lost my mood ring....I'm not sure how I feel about that.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.

   Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!

   the worst part of being naked is not having pockets

   I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.

   I am a kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad I take something for it.

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   Its so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from frezzing.

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   I think a lot better when my mind is blank!

   Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   <---just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box!!

   I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!

   OK which team has the most dreadlocks?