M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…

   If after sex, you have said, “you couldn't imagine me being someone else either eh?”….seek help….

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….

   working on harnessing the addictive component in meth…figure if I can bottle it, fast food companies and ugly people everywhere would pay me millions for it!!!!

   I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   so today is Presidents' Day and I'm a bit confused...are we supposed to misplace our birth certificates and not salute the flag today?

   I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   I'd be more willing to join Farmville if they let me grow weed, and sell it to Mafia Wars...

   just heard that Obama peeked his head out of the White House and saw his shadow....well, I guess it's six more years of recession...

   will you be my 'open the door, take off my clothes, help me to bed, and scooch the trashcan close' ...friend?

   sometimes I stare at a woman and wonder, "what would it take to stub her camel toe..."

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….

   Anyone get the feeling that it is going to take an act of God to change anything around here?

   I feel like punching baby kittens, whenever I see ungrateful douchebags yell at their smartphone, because it's taking more than a minute to upload something….YOU'RE GETTING A SIGNAL FROM SPACE…GIVE IT A MINUTE…

   speedwalks everywhere, and is afraid of toilets…the two are not related...really...