Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...