Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   "That's what" -She

   I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

   It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   Any post that doesn't have to do with Dumbo is simply irrelephant

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke...?

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.