BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?

   Sometimes I'll scream out "FACEBOOK WH0RE"!!!!! in the middle of the mall just to see how many of you are out there.

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.