lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.