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X There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.
X FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
X You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
X If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.
X All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.
X I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.
X I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.
X You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.
X The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
X What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
X Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.
X When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
X Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
X You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.
X I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.
X Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.
X I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.
X I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.
X The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
X I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?