Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.