Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?