paulb808 Funny Status Messages

   A stripper just got mad at me for saying godd@mmit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

   Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my p*nis".

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

   how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

   after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.