eaglet1122 Funny Status Messages

   I remember the first habit I picked up. The other nuns just stared in horror!

   Claiming my heart back, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and putting it back in the freezer. You dig?

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!

   Santa is the original Voyager!

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!

   All dyslexics rejoice! For today is your day! 11/11/11 yppaH

   You would think that the 4 page instructions/warnning packet for Adderall, would include narritive pictures.

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   I hear teaching Geography is where it is at these days!

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   My friend said to quit hitting him. I told him those were fighting words!

   Asked my teacher if I was interrupting. She said, "No, I'm just grading some cheese!!"

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"