Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   2016 claimed another one...RIP Rhonda Rousey.

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   So I guess once you go black you can't go back...you have to go orange.

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   Donald Trump....make America orange again.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!