daheavy1 Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
←Rate | 02-15-2014 12:22 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
←Rate | 02-15-2014 12:23 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling
←Rate | 02-19-2014 10:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
←Rate | 03-29-2014 09:08 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:34 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!
←Rate | 04-18-2014 18:35 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...
←Rate | 04-30-2014 13:30 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited
←Rate | 04-30-2014 21:18 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
←Rate | 05-02-2014 09:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.
←Rate | 05-03-2014 16:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.
←Rate | 05-07-2014 10:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet
←Rate | 05-14-2014 11:36 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
←Rate | 05-14-2014 11:37 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
←Rate | 06-07-2014 00:49 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
←Rate | 06-24-2014 00:40 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
←Rate | 06-30-2014 11:29 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Technically, we're all half centaur.
←Rate | 09-17-2014 01:22 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
←Rate | 09-17-2014 20:45 by Daheavy1 Comments (5)  


   messageicon Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!
←Rate | 09-23-2014 10:58 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  




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