snotty Funny Status Messages

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   I have a black belt in leather

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   Just think,,, 20 years ago my television set weighed 350lbs.. And my wife weighed 105lbs ...

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I’m the world record holder for the most arguments won against a woman................................................. 1 to be exact

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!