snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.

   I have a black belt in leather

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt