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X If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.
X At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
X It's so hot out... the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
X And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?
X I don't run away from my problems so much as I let them go on ahead without me.
X I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.
X is If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.
X set my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.
X A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.
X I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
X has one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?
X A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known
X as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA). Please re-post to raise awareness."
X My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.
X How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?
X is currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
X was pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"
X Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.
X Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."
X Romania's entire government has a complete collapse today and the #1 item on the news is some has-been country singer getting popped for being drunk.