BEGO Funny Status Messages

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

   I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, "Oh. You really can't see, huh?" NO s**t sherlock. You don't see other people taking other people's wheel chairs saying, "Oh. You really can't walk, huh?"

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   When I was little, I used to watch the raindrops roll down the window and see which one "won"

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.