Aaron Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
←Rate | 05-26-2011 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
←Rate | 09-09-2010 22:52 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.
←Rate | 03-17-2011 13:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Forget everything you know about amnesia.
←Rate | 10-07-2013 18:22 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
←Rate | 08-08-2011 16:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're an asshole.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:40 by Aaron Comments (18)  


   messageicon Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
←Rate | 10-19-2010 16:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.
←Rate | 06-04-2012 14:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
←Rate | 12-06-2010 14:59 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
←Rate | 06-14-2011 20:35 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 01:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
←Rate | 07-10-2013 22:08 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll
←Rate | 04-17-2011 14:07 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
←Rate | 04-14-2012 19:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep
←Rate | 05-18-2011 19:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..
←Rate | 09-08-2010 22:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
←Rate | 07-29-2010 19:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
←Rate | 03-16-2010 15:53 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.
←Rate | 02-04-2010 18:02 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
←Rate | 09-05-2013 17:43 by Aaron Comments (0)  




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