@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.
←Rate | 02-26-2017 12:00 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.
←Rate | 11-22-2016 09:19 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too
←Rate | 02-24-2017 00:01 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon A wife is like a box of chocolates, you never know which of her multiple moods you're going to get, you just better act like you love it.
←Rate | 11-14-2016 19:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .
←Rate | 03-22-2017 12:12 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.
←Rate | 02-10-2017 22:49 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
←Rate | 02-12-2017 20:09 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".
←Rate | 03-14-2017 10:27 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses
←Rate | 12-24-2017 18:17 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.
←Rate | 01-26-2017 11:14 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair
←Rate | 11-04-2017 20:40 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .
←Rate | 12-29-2016 09:11 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182
←Rate | 01-07-2017 14:35 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐
←Rate | 12-29-2017 19:28 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:29 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


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