@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   "Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."

   I wanna buy dolphins and dress 'em in suits so that I can tell my accountant I bought 'em for business porpoises... and we would laugh and laugh.

   Best of luck to Ja Rule today as he enters Ja il.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email.... until I pelted them with bologna.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   believes there are two great rules in life: 1.) Never tell everything at once.

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard and I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it... I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it.

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."